Big Sister Says...

Dear Little Brother and Sister "Do Better,"

Although the love of my life and I are doing quite well as our fifth Valentine's Day together approaches, your Big Sister is going to tell you about a time when I was around your age, and I lived a "Marvin's Room" moment--the Jo Jo version.

I was walking on the campus of Morehouse College, and I happened to pass a group of Omegas. As I gave my hellos and kept it moving, one lone dog followed me to a bench that I frequented to write poetry.

Now I wasn't in the mood to be bothered, so when he asked me what I was doing, I told him writing poetry, assuming he would back off. He asked me to spit something, and I did. Then he said he was a poet too.

I'd been writing long enough to know that random people think that they are poets when they are not, so I did not expect to be impressed, but I was. Then he had the NERVE to just leave without getting my number, as good as I was looking. That intrigued me, but I should have known better right then.

"If he is not asking for your number, he's just not that into you." That was a great book that I had not yet read, so I didn't know the signs. The next few times I saw him, he still didn't ask, so I took it upon myself to ask for his. We exchanged digits, as they were called in the early 2000s, and we eventually went out on a pretty cool first date. No kissing, just caking, but I was attracted.

To make a long story short, we spent a very sweet, innocent night after the "Pretty Nasty" party, looking at the stars at Piedmont Park while listening to Anthony Hamilton. I was smitten.

Then I found out he had a girlfriend.

Did I do the respectable thing and gracefully bow out? No. I tried to convince a man that was already taken that he should be with me, a classic rookie move. Thinking he could "do better," I worked harder than I have ever worked trying to prove that I was the better choice.

I was making seven-layer lasagna at his house regularly--she lived out of state--and giving up goodies he did not deserve. I felt lower than low, but I thought that if I won him over I would feel some sense of redemption.

Well, eventually I did "win." I "won" a guy that never had to fight for me. I "won" a cheater, a quitter, and someone who, six months after we had broken up, had a wife and a baby on the way. So, in other words…I LOST.

Not saying he's a bad guy, and I'm a good girl. I was ratchet (Emmanuel Hudson voice) for my part too. I got what I deserved, and I learned to treat myself like I deserved better in order to get better. And now I have the best.

Sincerely,

Big Sister "Once was Ratchet"

Candice Crowell is a second year doctoral student in counseling psychology in the School of Education from Niagara Falls, N.Y.